How to Rekindle a Relationship: Evidence-Based Ways to Bring Back Desire

Short answer: To rekindle a relationship, rebuild connection before you try to rebuild desire. Couples research points to a few things that reliably help: doing new and exciting things together, turning toward each other in small daily moments, talking about needs in a calm and regular way, and making deliberate time for intimacy instead of waiting for the mood to strike. If low desire lasts for months or comes with physical or mood changes, a doctor or a couples or sex therapist is the right next step.

Key Takeaways

• A fading spark in a long-term relationship is common and usually reflects routine, stress and fatigue rather than a broken bond.
• In laboratory studies, couples who shared a short novel and arousing activity reported larger gains in relationship quality than couples who did a mundane task together.^[1]
• The Gottman Institute describes lasting closeness as built from “small things often,” such as responding to everyday bids for attention, more than from grand gestures.^[2]
• Scheduling intimacy does not make it less meaningful. It signals that the relationship matters.^[2]
• Low desire can have medical causes, including some blood pressure medicines, antidepressants, heavy drinking, depression and conditions such as diabetes or an underactive thyroid.^[4]
• See a clinician if problems last more than a few months or cause distress for you or your partner.^[5]

Why the Spark Fades in Long-Term Relationships

Early attraction runs largely on novelty and uncertainty. As a relationship becomes secure, that novelty fades and daily life fills the space: work, children, money, chores. Many couples end up relating to each other mostly in “logistics mode,” which is efficient but rarely romantic.

The research behind this is worth knowing. A set of studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2000 linked relationship boredom to lower satisfaction, and the authors explicitly connected their findings to the typical decline in relationship quality after the honeymoon period.^[1] In other words, the drop is predictable, and it is not proof that you chose the wrong partner.

Common reasons couples drift apart physically

• Routine: same time, same place, same pattern. Comfortable, but rarely exciting.
• Stress and fatigue: when energy runs low, intimacy is often the first thing dropped.
• Unspoken resentment: small frustrations that never get discussed quietly build distance.
• Mismatched desire: partners often experience desire at different times and in different amounts.^[2]
• Health and medication: mood, sleep, alcohol, chronic illness and some prescriptions all affect interest.^[4]

For a deeper look at the biology and psychology of interest, see our guide to what affects desire and low sex drive in men.

What the Research Says Works

1. Do new and exciting things together

The strongest single piece of evidence on rekindling comes from research on shared novelty. Across a newspaper questionnaire, a door-to-door survey and three laboratory experiments, couples who reported or took part in shared novel and arousing activities showed better relationship quality. In the experiments, couples who completed a seven-minute novel and arousing task together showed larger gains than couples given a mundane task, and a no-activity control suggested the gain came from the activity itself.^[1]

“Arousing” here means physically or emotionally stimulating, not sexual. Practical versions: a hike on a trail you have never walked, a dance or cooking class, a weekend somewhere new, a game where you work as a team. The point is to experience something fresh together, so your partner becomes linked with excitement again rather than with the dishwasher.

2. Turn toward small bids for connection

The Gottman Institute, drawing on decades of couples research, argues that lasting love is built through “small things often”: noticing when your partner makes a bid for attention (a comment, a question, a touch) and responding to it. Turning toward these bids builds trust over time, while repeatedly missing them erodes closeness.^[2] Desire rarely survives in a relationship where both people feel unseen during the day.

3. Hold a regular relationship check-in

Many couples avoid talking about intimacy because it feels like criticism. A structured check-in lowers the temperature. The Gottman Institute suggests a format that starts with appreciations (three to five specific things your partner did recently), moves to what is going well, then lets each partner raise one issue while the other listens without defending, and ends with one positive, specific request each.^[3] Do it somewhere free of TV and phones, and if either of you feels overwhelmed, pause for at least 20 minutes and agree on a time to come back.^[3]

Useful phrasing: “I miss feeling close to you, and I would like us to find more time for each other” works far better than “You never want to anymore.”

4. Schedule intimacy without guilt

One of the myths the Gottman Institute addresses directly is that you cannot plan great sex. Its position: stress, parenting, health, medication and body image all affect desire, partners often feel desire at different times, and scheduling intimacy does not make it less meaningful. It signals that the relationship matters and protects time for it.^[2]

Many sex therapists also describe responsive desire: in long-term relationships, desire often shows up after relaxed closeness and touch begin, rather than before. Couples who wait for spontaneous desire before making time for each other can wait a long time. Planned, low-pressure time together is often the spark rather than the reward.

5. Manage conflict instead of trying to win it

Happy couples still argue. What separates them is how they handle it: avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, and making repairs afterward. The Gottman Institute cites the finding that “a full 69 percent of all marital conflicts never go away” because they are rooted in lasting differences in personality or lifestyle.^[2] Accepting that some issues are managed, not solved, removes a lot of the resentment that quietly kills desire.

A Simple Weekly Plan to Bring Back Intimacy

Small, steady changes tend to work better than one grand gesture. This schedule turns the research above into habits.

When Low Desire Has a Medical Cause

Desire does not live only in the relationship. The NHS lists many possible reasons for a low sex drive, including relationship problems, stress, anxiety or depression, sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction, heavy drinking, some medicines (including certain blood pressure drugs and antidepressants) and long-term conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, an underactive thyroid and cancer.^[4] MedlinePlus adds that stress, illness, medicines and emotional problems can all play a part in sexual problems in men, and that these become more common with age.^[5]

Practical points:

• If interest dropped after starting a new prescription, tell your doctor. Do not stop the medicine on your own. Changing a medicine is one of the options a clinician can discuss.^[4]
• Persistent fatigue, low mood or loss of morning energy can be worth a blood test. Our articles on signs of low testosterone and stress, cortisol and low energy explain what to ask about.
• Poor sleep is a quiet desire killer for both partners. See our sleep routine guide for men.
• If worry about performance is making you avoid intimacy, read our guide to sexual performance anxiety.

Couples Therapy and Sex Therapy: When to Get Help

Outside help is a sign of commitment, not failure. Consider it if:

• Distance has lasted many months and self-help has not changed it.
• Conversations about intimacy keep turning into arguments, or one partner feels rejected or pressured.
• There is a physical concern, pain, or a sexual problem such as erectile difficulty.
• Low desire comes with low mood, anxiety or major life stress.

MedlinePlus advises seeing a health care provider if sexual problems last more than a few months or cause distress for you or your partner.^[5] The NHS notes that treatment depends on the cause and can include relationship counselling, treatment for sexual problems, talking therapies such as CBT for depression, or a change of medicine.^[4] A couples therapist works on connection and conflict. A certified sex therapist focuses specifically on desire, arousal and sexual communication. Many couples benefit from both, alongside a medical check.

Where Supplements Fit (and Where They Do Not)

No supplement can replace attention, communication and time together, and none should be used to avoid a medical evaluation. Some men also choose a botanical supplement as part of a general wellness routine; Ultra Bann, for example, is a one-capsule-every-two-days formula of seven herbs with every amount listed on its ingredients page. If you take any supplement, tell your doctor, especially if you use prescription medicines.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can a relationship be rekindled after years of distance?

Often, yes. The research on shared novelty suggests relationship quality responds to what couples do together, even after the early romance has faded.^[1] The usual path is rebuilding everyday connection first, then making deliberate time for intimacy. If years of resentment are involved, a couples therapist speeds the process.

Is it normal for desire to fade in a long-term relationship?

Yes. A decline in excitement after the honeymoon period is a typical pattern described in relationship research.^[1] What matters is whether both partners are willing to put intention back into the relationship.

What if we want different amounts of intimacy?

Desire discrepancy is one of the most common issues couples face, and partners often feel desire at different times.^[2] Talk about it at a calm moment, not in the bedroom, avoid keeping score, and look for a middle ground you both agree on. A sex therapist can help if the topic keeps causing conflict.

Does scheduling sex really work?

For many couples, yes. The Gottman Institute considers “you can’t plan great sex” a myth: scheduling protects time for intimacy and signals that the relationship is a priority.^[2] Keep it low pressure: the plan is for time together, not for a performance.

When should I see a doctor about low desire?

If low desire lasts more than a few months, causes distress, began after a new medicine, or comes with symptoms such as fatigue, low mood or erection problems, see a health care provider.^[4][5]

References

1. Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2000;78(2):273-84. PubMed
2. Spangler A. Five Relationship Myths That Refuse to Go Away. The Gottman Institute, 2026. gottman.com
3. Spangler A. This Relationship Skill Is Essential: How to Have a Relationship Check-In. The Gottman Institute, 2026. gottman.com
4. Low sex drive (loss of libido). NHS. nhs.uk
5. Sexual Problems in Men. MedlinePlus, U.S. National Library of Medicine. medlineplus.gov

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. This article is for information only and is not medical advice.