How to Spice Up a Relationship: 7 Research-Backed Strategies and Date Ideas

Short answer: The most reliable way to spice up a relationship is to do new things together, on purpose, and to get better at the small daily moments of attention. Relationship research points to two levers: shared novelty (trying activities that are new to both of you) and everyday responsiveness (noticing and answering your partner’s bids for connection). Plan one new shared experience a week, keep a short regular check in, and make positive interactions far outnumber negative ones.

Key Takeaways

• Doing the same things on autopilot is a common reason couples feel flat, so “more of the same” date nights rarely restore excitement on their own.
• The self-expansion model (Arthur Aron and colleagues) suggests partners feel closer when the relationship helps each person grow, learn and try new things.
• In Gottman research, newlyweds who stayed married turned toward each other’s bids for connection 86% of the time, compared with 33% for couples who later divorced.
• Stable, happy couples keep at least five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict.
• A simple weekly or monthly check in (appreciations first, one issue, one request) keeps small resentments from killing romance.
• Spicing things up does not require money: the table below lists free, low-cost and splurge ideas by time needed.

Why Relationships Lose Their Spark

Almost every long-term couple hits a stretch where life feels like logistics: work, bills, kids, chores, the same restaurant on the same night. That is normal, and it is not proof that something is broken. It is mostly a novelty problem and an attention problem.

The novelty problem

Social psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues developed the self-expansion model of close relationships. It has two core ideas: people are motivated to expand the self (gain new perspectives, skills, competence and resources), and in a close relationship a partner’s identities, perspectives and skills become partly included in one’s own sense of self.^[1] Early in a relationship, expansion happens automatically because everything about the other person is new. Years later, that source dries up unless you create new experiences together.

The self-expansion literature includes work by Aron and colleagues (2000) on couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality.^[1] The practical message from this model is straightforward: shared newness, not just shared time, is what gives partners fresh experiences to grow through together, and that is what tends to restore a sense of excitement.

The attention problem

Dr. John Gottman calls the small requests partners make for attention, affection or support bids for connection. A bid can be a smile, a comment about something in the news, or a request for advice. You can turn toward a bid (respond), turn against it (reject it), or turn away (miss it entirely). Turning away can be more damaging than open rejection because it leaves nothing to repair.^[2] In Gottman’s newlywed research, followed up six years later, couples who were still married had turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time, while couples who divorced averaged 33%.^[2] Romance grows from hundreds of these tiny moments, not from one grand gesture a year.

How to Spice Up a Relationship: 7 Research-Informed Strategies

1. Swap “the usual” for something neither of you has done

Pick activities that are new to both partners and slightly challenging: a dance class, a cooking workshop for a cuisine you have never made, a beginner climbing session, a day trip to a town you have never visited. Novel and mildly arousing (in the sense of energizing, heart rate up, a little uncertain) is the target. If you always go to dinner and a movie, the most valuable change is not a fancier dinner, it is a different kind of night.

2. Turn toward small bids every day

Put the phone down when your partner starts talking. Answer the “look at this” comment. Ask a follow-up question. These are bids, and responding to them is how trust and warmth accumulate.^[2] A useful exercise from the Gottman Institute is to watch a show on mute and try to read the characters’ nonverbal bids, then notice the ones in your own home.

3. Keep the positive to negative ratio high

Gottman and Robert Levenson observed couples discussing a conflict for 15 minutes and followed them nine years later. Stable couples kept at least five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict, while a ratio near 1:1 signaled risk.^[3] Positive does not mean fake: it means showing interest, expressing affection, giving specific compliments, finding points of agreement, using respectful humor and apologizing when your partner is hurt.^[3] Try a one-week journal of positive interactions to see where you really stand.

4. Ask better questions

In a 1997 study, Arthur Aron and colleagues had pairs spend about 45 minutes on self-disclosure tasks that gradually became more personal. Pairs who did these escalating tasks felt closer afterward than pairs who made small talk.^[4] Long-term couples can borrow the idea: replace “How was your day?” with open-ended questions that go a little deeper each round, like “What is something you have been wanting to try lately?” or “What is a memory of us you think about often?” The Gottman Institute also suggests taking turns asking open-ended questions as a simple, cheap date.^[5]

5. Hold a regular relationship check in

Resentment is the opposite of desire. A short, structured check in keeps small issues small. The Gottman Institute’s format runs in five steps: each partner names 3 to 5 specific appreciations from the past week, you discuss what is going well, you pick one issue and take turns speaking and reflecting back, each partner makes one positive request for the coming week, and you wrap up with upcoming plans.^[6] Hold it somewhere without screens, and if either of you feels flooded, take a break of at least 20 minutes and agree on a time to return.^[6]

6. Build a ritual of connection

Novelty creates spark; rituals create security. A ritual is something you do together on purpose that becomes “yours”: Sunday morning coffee on the porch, a yearly movie you rewatch, a walk after dinner. The Gottman Institute frames even simple occasions, like watching a favorite movie together, as a chance to start a tradition you both look forward to and can reminisce about.^[5] The best relationships have both: a few dependable rituals and a steady supply of new experiences.

7. Look after the basics that drive desire

Fatigue and stress flatten romantic interest for both partners. Protecting sleep, moving your body and managing work stress all make it easier to show up with energy. If stress is the main issue, see our guide to stress and sex drive, and our article on sleep and libido.

Date Night Ideas by Budget and Time

Use this table to plan a month of variety. Aim for at least one “new to both of us” idea each week, and rotate who plans it.

Date night ideas at home

If childcare or budget makes going out hard, the home version still works as long as it feels different from a normal evening. Change the room (dinner on the balcony or floor), change the activity (a puzzle, a cooking challenge, learning a few phrases of a language for a future trip), and change the rules (no phones, no talk about chores or money for two hours). Agree on the plan in advance so it feels like a date, not leftover time.

Communication Tips That Keep Romance Alive

• Lead with “I,” not “you.” “I miss our Friday nights” invites a conversation; “You never plan anything” invites defense.
• Ask for what you want, in positive terms. The Gottman check in format recommends requests that describe what to do, not what to stop doing.^[6]
• Talk about intimacy outside the bedroom. A relaxed conversation over coffee carries less pressure than a talk in the moment.
• Be curious, not certain. People change. What your partner enjoyed five years ago may not be what excites them now.
• Repair fast. Healthy couples still have negative moments; the difference is that they repair them quickly.^[3]

If the spark has faded for a long time, our deeper guide on how to rekindle a relationship covers that situation step by step. If nerves or self-doubt are getting in the way, read building sexual confidence.

When to Talk to a Professional

Novelty and better habits help most couples, but they are not a fix for every situation. Consider a licensed couples therapist if conflict regularly escalates, if one partner feels contempt or chronic loneliness in the relationship, or if you have tried to reconnect for months without change. See a doctor if a drop in desire or physical intimacy is sudden, comes with low mood, fatigue or other symptoms, or started after a new medication, since there may be a medical cause worth checking.

A note on supplements: no pill replaces attention, communication and shared experiences. For readers curious about our product, Ultra Bann is a botanical supplement taken one capsule every 2 days, and its full label is published on our ingredients page.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I spice up a relationship without spending money?

Focus on novelty and attention rather than cost. Free options include a question night, a walk on a trail you have never tried, cooking together from what is in the pantry, a phone-free evening, or volunteering together. What matters is that the activity is new to both of you and gets your full attention.

How often should couples have a date night?

There is no single magic number, but a regular, predictable rhythm works better than occasional big efforts. Many couples aim for one intentional date each week, even a short one at home, plus a regular check in. Consistency is what turns dates into a ritual of connection.

How do you keep a long-term relationship exciting?

Keep adding new shared experiences, keep responding to each other’s everyday bids for connection, and keep resentment low with regular check ins. Research on the self-expansion model suggests that growing and learning together, not simply spending time together, is what helps couples feel close and interested.

Is it normal for the spark to fade?

Yes. The intense newness of early romance naturally settles as partners get to know each other and life fills up with routine. That is not a sign the relationship is failing. The good news is that novelty is something couples can deliberately create, through new activities, new places and new conversations.

What if my partner is not interested in trying new things?

Start small and make it a shared choice. Offer two or three low-pressure options and let your partner pick, or take turns choosing. If disinterest is part of a broader pattern of distance or conflict, a couples therapist can help you both understand what is going on.

References

1. Aron A, Lewandowski G, Branand B, Mashek D, Aron E. Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2022;39(12). (Its reference list includes Aron et al., 2000, on couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities.)
2. Brittle Z. Turn Towards Instead of Away. The Gottman Institute.
3. Benson K. The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. The Gottman Institute. 2017, updated 2026.
4. Aron A, Melinat E, Aron EN, Vallone RD, Bator RJ. The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness: A Procedure and Some Preliminary Findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 1997;23(4):363 to 377.
5. Wilde E. Valentine’s Day: The Gottman Way. The Gottman Institute. 2024.
6. Spangler A. This Relationship Skill Is Essential: How to Have a Relationship Check-In. The Gottman Institute. 2026.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. This article is for information only and is not medical advice.